If anger is something that you are bothered with, or even consumed with after someone you love dies, then you must acknowledge that feeling. Admit that it troubles you; maybe even that anger has a hold on you.
Once you have admitted that you are angry, try if you can to find the specific cause for your anger.
Some feel angry with themselves for not being more helpful to the person who died.
Some feel anger at themselves for having missed opportunities from the past that may have allowed more closeness or more time spent with the person who died.
Some are angry with the medial staff for what they see as a lack of care, concern and effort.
Some are angry with God for not helping more or for not hearing the pleas and the prayers.
Some even feel angry with the person who has died. There can often be a feeling of abandon and the sense that you were let down.
It really doesn’t matter what causes you to be angry. All that matters is that you feel anger and that you must acknowledge and admit your feelings.
Acknowledgement, however, is not enough. You must also find a way to express your anger. You must get it out.
There are many options available to you if you feel angry after a loved one has died.
The typical or usual way is to find someone who will listen to you. Find someone who will listen to your feelings without making a judgment or without trying to talk you out of your feelings.
This might be a friend or relative or it may be someone who is skilled at listening and has some experience with what happens when you are grieving.
If you can’t find a good listener or if you don’t find verbal communication easy, then there are many other options available.
Some will find writing a more effective avenue for expression. Maybe writing a letter to the person who died expressing your feelings might help. Maybe a letter to medical staff if you feel that you were let down or that the person you loved was uncared for.
Some will benefit more from being physical. I have seen people take their anger out on a punching bag in the gym or even on a pillow. I have even seen some take up a physical art form in order to help them express themself.
Pottery, painting and sculpture are all ways to channel your feelings in an outward and healthy direction.
It really doesn’t matter what you choose to help you express your feelings. All that matters is that once you identify that you are angry and have been able to say why, finding an outlet that works for you will begin to lessen your tension.
I would caution you here though. Sometimes your feelings are so raw and so overwhelming that you may not be thinking straight. I would strongly suggest that if you feel anger towards another that you do not immediately go to the person or people who you feel angry at and tell them how you feel.
First, express yourself to someone who will listen without prejudice. Write your feelings down. Yell and scream, buy a punching bag if you have to but find a way to get your anger out.
You may find that once you have expressed yourself, probably over and over again that your anger will lose some of it’s air and you will begin to gain some peace and perspective.
If you are angry with yourself, this can take much longer to mend. I still feel deeply about not doing enough for my dad. It helped a great deal to tell others how I felt and to try and find a way “to tell him.”
Own your feelings of anger, acknowledge exactly how you feel and why and then express yourself. Do this as often as you can in whatever way you find helpful without doing harm to yourself or to another. This hard grief work in conjunction with time will bring you to a resolution and a more peaceful place.
Where anger is concerned first acknowledge and own your feelings. Then try and figure out why you are angry. Why exactly do you feel that way?
Forget what’s right and wrong. Just feel what you do and accept that this is what you have.
Then let it out. Find a way to release your feelings. You and everyone around you will benefit from your honesty and your struggle.